Does Sexuality and Sexual Preference Have More To Do With What We Learn Is “Normal” or “Acceptable” Or What Is Biologically Engrained Within Our Very Genetic Makeup?

Biologically our bodies are programmed for specific functions we share with all other human beings. In order to live, your heart needs to beat, your lungs need oxygen, and your blood is what holds you all together. Humans have natural instincts that don’t have to be taught to them in order for them to learn. From birth, you know how to take your first breath, and swallow your first drink of milk without much assistance at all. Our bodies are programmed to be a specific way, and when they aren’t what is considered the norm, a person is considered to have “something wrong”, be “sick”, or “disabled”. Our brain is a crucial part of our body and I have to wonder if the same rules or social norms really apply to mind as well.

Does our sexuality or sexual preference have more to do with what we learn is “normal” or “acceptable” or what is biologically engrained within our very genetic makeup? People who are attracted to the same sex are among the minority. Several studies suggest that gay, lesbian, or bisexuals have higher rates of some mental disorders compared to heterosexuals. I think that discrimination could be a factor in these statistics as well. There are higher rates of anxiety, mood, substance use disorders, and suicidal thoughts among people 15-54 who are with a same-sex partner.

In nature it is instinct for animals to find the opposite sex and procreate. Men have a penis and women have a vagina and they were created to be together. You see this pattern in everything in life. Male-Female. Black-White. Yin-Yang.. Some things just go together. And when something in your life doesn’t fit this pattern, you start to feel like something is not right.

Growing up, I knew that I was attracted to girls 5 years before I had my first feelings of attraction to boys. I have known since I was 3 years old that I was attracted to women sexually. I knew it, and growing up I didn’t know how to feel about it or WHAT to do about it because I knew what I was feeling wasn’t something anyone had ever discussed with me. I had never seen a same-sex couple, and I didn’t know that those feelings I was having had a label I would later learn down the road. But what I did know, is that my friends didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about them. I initiated “playing doctor” more times than I can count, and was confused why I was left with uncomfortable feelings in parts of my body that at that time I was too young to understand. Sexual attraction is instinctive. I know this because I developed it early on and it is something I’m still discovering and still question more and more everyday.

I was in a relationship with a woman on and off for a couple of years. She was the first woman that I had romantic feelings for the reciprocated. It threw me and the rest of my family for a total head spin, because up until that point.. I was always “straight”. But what nobody knew is that deep down there was a part of me that just wasn’t happy with the idea of having a husband someday. It just never appealed to me, and it still doesn’t. Even growing up, I never really had the desire to date men (or women for that matter). I would see my friend in and out of relationships and I just never understood the point of dating when you’re in middleschool or high school… It’s not like you can really truly have a life together at that point. Moving on from that though.. 

When I first started dating the woman, inside I was really happy.. But on the outside, I was still embarrassed and insecure what people would think of me. Luckily, I was in a city that was extremely accepting of the gay population. I had a job at that point that allowed me to interact with close friends daily who were also gay or bisexual. It’s funny how that worked out so perfectly, but everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that was my sole purpose of being there, was to truly discover who I really am without the pressure and expectations of small-town living. I eventually became more comfortable with it, and would proudly display her whenever we would go out on the town. It also helped that her friends and family were supportive of us, and mine came around eventually too. Things ended up not working out between us, so I ended up having to move back to my hometown. That move was the single most devastating moment of my life. I couldn’t afford my bills anymore and was having some serious mental health issues. So, my parents decided that it would be best for me to just come home. My dad gave me a 2 month notice that I would be leaving, and it threw me into a depression among no other. Along with the recent breakup, and the news of my departure.. I lost every motivation and became a hollow shell. I spend every night drinking hard liquor until I couldn’t drink anymore. I had friends stop by from time to time, but I have no memory of our interactions. I would lay in the middle of the living room floor with my vodka bottle in-hand and crawl to the bathroom from time to time. I remember waking up to what I thought were strangers in my apartment splashing water on my face or bringing me food knowing that I hadn’t eaten in a ridiculous undetermined amount of time. I started to pawn off my things in order to supply my alcoholic mental breakdown. 

I just got rather off track, so back to the point of this blog.

Scientists have been exploring the idea of a “gay” gene, but up until this point haven’t been able to pinpoint anything one way or another. It makes me wonder what is different about those of us who are attracted to the same-sex vs. those who are not. It poses a few questions in my mind. Could heterosexual people be happy being with someone of the same sex if all religious or moral inhibitions or insecurities places by society were all removed. I’m a firm believer in “You don’t know you won’t like it until you try it”. Or is the real problem something deep inside the inner-workings of our mind that makes us different… Perhaps a defect or malformation of something just not yet discovered. And lastly, can we be “fixed”? Is there a medication being created somewhere down the line that can be a cure-all for those of us who aren’t completely comfortable with our feelings? I don’t really know the answer to any of these questions. But think of this… What if it was the other way around and gay was straight and straight people were a minority. Below is a link to my favorite awareness video of all time. I think it’s important that everyone see’s this at some point in time. So if you’ve made it this far into this blog, please take the time to watch the video. CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO 

Thank you all for reading.

Kisses, Lennox

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What Is It Like To Crave Something So Simple, Yet So Hard To Ask For

What is it like to crave something so badly that nothing else can replace it? What is it like to have your whole body in constant pain just because you’re lacking one of the most important human needs? My answer to these questions is.. Empty. I constantly feel empty. I live virtually without any sort of physical human contact, and its lonely. Nobody hugs me, or touches my hand, or even lays their hand across my back as a simple gesture of genuinity. (I am aware that “genuinity” is not a real word, I’m not stupid, but I don’t feel it necessary to explain my reason for the word usage.)

What I need right now in my life is pretty simple. I don’t ask for much, and I’m easy to please.. but a hug is what I need. That is all. Even writing this, theres a lump in my throat, and I’m holding back tears that desperately need to be let out (but theres people around and they might wonder whats going on, and I don’t feel like making a scene..) The next thing I’m about to say isn’t meant to be taken lightly, but I also don’t want it to be taken too seriously. If you read my previous blog “What is REALLY Like To Have Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder”, this will make a little more sense. I need so badly for someone to hug me and just let me cry… I need them to not judge me and understand that its something that needs to happen, because if it doesn’t… someday, it might cost me my life. I hate to admit that, but its a lonely, lonely place to feel this way when the solution is something so simple, but isn’t something you can just ask for. Ok.. Moving on from probably the most depressing thing I’ve written down to date. Whaddya do, I guess.

Anyways..

The last time someone hugged me, I left and I sobbed for an hour. I was so incredibly thankful that someone had shared such a small gesture with me. Its an understatement to say that it meant the world to me.. because it meant more. For a few days, the body pain went away.. the tingling that commonly radiates through my arms to my fingertips subsided.. and for the first time in years I didn’t want to hurt myself. I had a happiness about me that just hadn’t surfaced up until that point. She’ll never know how badly I needed that hug that day. But fortunately, she’ll know what it meant to me, because she visits my blog from time to time.

Thats all for now. Feel free to check out my previous 3 blogs.. its some good, very honest and raw stuff- if you’re into that kind of thing. But for real, they just bleed truth all over the place so if you care enough to wanna get to know me, feel free to check them out. You can view them by visiting my “Recent Blogs” category. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Kisses, Lennox

Something’s Watching Over Me, Like Sweet Serendipity<3

“And I’m doing just fine, I’m always landing on my feet. In the nic of time and by the skin on my teeth. I ain’t gonna stress, ’cause the worst ain’t happened yet. Something’s watching over me, like sweet serendipity”-LeeDewyze

Check out “Sweet Serendipity” on youtube. One of my absolute favs.

I’ve always been different than most people for the majority of my life. I never felt like there was anyone who understood me or anyone who had been through anything even remotely similar to me. I don’t know where I stand religiously in the aspect of believing in what my mom would call, “God Moments”, where things just somehow workout in weird unexplainable ways. I’d like to think of it more as serendipity, or “fortunate happy stance”. In fact, I’ve been waiting my whole life for a little serendipity.
 Let me tell you, I have had the craziest, most unexplainable, absolutely insane case of serendipity in the last 5 months. I met somebody who I literally feel was put through very specific situations and had to jump similar hurdles in order to now… many years later… help me through almost identical situations. And I’m not talking about things like the fact that we share the same hair color or the fact that we both like the color green.. I’m talking about moments that I just look at her and think “How. How could we possibly have lived such mirrored lives?” For the sake of her privacy, I will not be putting her name anywhere in this blog. I guess you all will just have to wonder:)
Back to the mirrored lives concept. When I look at her, I see myself. (Not literally, because she is WAY prettier then I will EVER be, but aside that..) When she talks, I hear myself. The way she thinks and presents her thoughts is almost like talking to myself… because everything makes sense. The only major difference between us is our age, which in reality isn’t a really a major difference at all. She likes to call herself “old”. She’s not. Not even close. (Sorry to burst your bubble, Cookie!) She’s pretty much my favorite person, and it makes me laugh to think 10 years from now, I’ll be doing what she’s doing and saying the same things, and some twerp a decade younger will just laugh, tease me, roll their eyes and smile at me the way I do to her when she’s being.. well herself 🙂 Anyways, just thought I’d share my thoughts for today! Have a happy Tuesday, Loves ❤

What Is It About War That Changes Us?

What is it about war that changes us? The war on ourselves, the war on our bodies, and the war in our minds. It’s a never-ending battle of duck and cover, and the bombs just keep on coming. We’re all so desperate to be understood that we forget to be understanding. The brave don’t live forever, and the cautious don’t live at all. What changes us is the constant attempts to win the war or conquer the battle but setting ourselves up for failure if we forget to finish the race first. We live to meet expectations but we die when they are not our own.

Music I’ve Written In The Last Year…

NOTICE: I am NOT a singer..my voice sucks…but I like to write music so…feel free to check out my stuff

Below are links to all of the songs I’ve written in the last year.

Let Me Move On: CLICK HERE

Love Is Good Enough: CLICK HERE

Puppet For You: CLICK HERE

Broken Melody: CLICK HERE

I Don’t Know: CLICK HERE

That Little Lie (Teaser-Unfinished): CLICK HERE

SONGS OF MY YOUNGER SELF (Age 5-11)

I Still Wonder: CLICK HERE

Can You Hear Me? (Children of the Holocaust): CLICK HERE

Take Me: This is the first song I ever performed live anywhere.. LISTEN TO MY PRE-PUBESCENT VOICE!!! HAHAHA: CLICK HERE

PIANO SONGS:

Emotion (Because I dont have a better name):  CLICK HERE

FATHER’S DAY SONG FOR MY DAD (Ukelele Version): CLICK HERE

If you’re into Shakespeare, here is my video Macbeth final project haha! CLICK HERE

Did a little filming today, please watch ⭐️ Short Film: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Addiction ❤️❤️❤️ PinkRainProductions

Turn up the sound! ❤️❤️❤️ 

If video doesn’t work.. Click HERE

I’ve Got A Girl Crush.. I Hate To Admit It, But…. It’s Hard Being Bi-Sexual In A Straight World

The Forbidden girl-crush. The crush you have that is completely wrong on so many levels. The crush that you cannot tell a single soul about because you know that they would just laugh in your face. The crush that you are embarrassed to have because you’re not quite sure how it came about.. Especially when it come out of fucking nowhere. That crush that comes about when you are sitting next to an “unattainable”(The name for the people that deep down you know will never be able to reciprocate) and you just look up at them and think, “God damn you are fucking beautiful.. What it would be like to fuck you.” *blushes* That is a real thought I have had before. I have literally experienced the trifecta of all unattainables in the last year. Married. Straight. And Co-worker. (Authors Note: I would like to buy a vowel and add “virgin” to the list of obstacles. Not unattainables, but obstacles… I can charm the pants off anyone. MOTHERFUCKING PUN INTENDED)

*I literally just laughed out loud at myself.

Anyways, I always fall for someone under one of those categories… Like… It would be nice to fall for a nice single gal or gent.. But unfortunately, that’s not how most of my crushes end up. I say “crush” because in these situations, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m looking for quality time or sex. You know, every time I start to feel that godforsaken feeling of admiration for someone forbidden, I try to shut that shit down right away. Notice I said “try”. The next thing that I do is mentally overcome the “obstacles” that separate me from that person being attainable. And by attainable, I don’t mean available…I mean willing. So here is my thought process on it whenever a GIRL-crush comes about. I’ll talk about boy crushes in a later blog.

Straight.

This is the hardest of the obstacles to overcome. Some women are so set in their ways that the thought of even trying anything with a woman is definitely not a possibility. I don’t care if you are single, married, divorced, etc.. If you are curious about chick-sex…experiment, it can be a lot of fun if you trust the person you choose to engage with. The truth is, most women have the curiosity but not the opportunity to try things out. Bottom line though, if someone identifys as “straight” thats where the crush has to stop, because nothing will come of it. This is the hardest realization to come to. It literally hurts, when you want something so bad. Onto the next obstacle.

Married.
This obstacle is somewhat difficult to overcome. If someone is married, sometimes (not usually), they might have an open relationship. And if they don’t sometimes in heterosexual relationships, the male doesn’t mind if the woman experiments with another women. You know.. Dudes and the whole girl on girl fantasy.. Lol. I’ve known people that are ok with the woman being with another woman as long as the man is still in the room. Which is a double plus for me.. I get to have fun with someone’s wife or girlfriend, and then there’s the whole exhibitionist aspect of it. Onward ho.

Co-Worker or Professional Relationship

This obstacle is the least hard to overcome, mostly due to the fact that if both people are willing, it’s an easy secret to keep. I once “dated” a co-worker in a workplace that strictly forbid employee relationships. In fact, the better way to explain it point blank is… I was sleeping with my manager. We kept it a complete secret for many months, and only agreed to admit to it once we were both no longer working there. However, I have slept with people with jobs that I can NEVER tell a single soul about. If someone decides to breach their job contract in the aspect of having sexual relations with co-workers, employees, clients, or patients, I am bound in secrecy. Lucky for them, I’m great at keeping dirty little secrets. 

Some people would consider age a determining factor. I used to, so I get it.. But I no longer do. As long as both parties are willing, why the hell not.

In conclusion.. I understand that my ideas on the matter are a little warped, but thats truly what it is like to be bi-sexual in a location where not many people are willing to admit that they a gay, bi, trans, etc. But let me leave you with this little thought. People with obstacles are much more fun to pursue than the people that are willing from the start. Hehe!

This is ME! (Repost because it got 500 views in the first 2 hours)

This Is ME.I’m sitting at work, looking up kinky pictures and quotes on the internet as Christian radio plays faint in the background. Makes me giggle a bit. “Who turned this on?” I think to myself.I remember working at my moms store growing up where Christian radio played nonstop. I remember thinking “this is exactly where I need to be”. It’s not where I was, but where I thought society wanted me to be. I was miserable. And then I grew up..

As I browse through the thousands of kinky, BDSM-related pictures, all I can think is “THIS is exactly where I am, this is me” and it makes me happy. 
It’s amazing what a few years can do. You change yourself repeatedly until you finally figure out who you are. But once you find it, it’s bliss. 

Who I am isn’t necessarily what society thinks I should be. I’m non-conventional & strict non-conformist. I’m hell-on-heels, I like the darkness, and if it’s dirty, kinky, messy, or just plain wrong. I want it. I’ll make you beg, I’ll make you scream, and I’ll make you bite the pillow, but I promise you’ll like it. 

I’ll give you intellectual orgasms in multiples and allow temptation to drip from your ears. I’ll go down on your thoughts, and taste your perception. I’m a saint with the lips of a sinner. And an angel with a devilish kiss. I’m not vanilla, and will make your wildest fantasies a reality. I’m very attracted to men 25+ and women in their 30s and 40s (Something about knowledge with age thing) and I’m not afraid to admit my curiosities. You come onto me, I’ll reciprocate. 

What some women see as degrading, I see as empowering. Your pleasure is my pleasure, darling.. -Lennox

This is me. And I like this part of me. Once you learn to embrace your sexuality for what it is, you’ve won half the battle of figuring out who you truly are.