Biologically our bodies are programmed for specific functions we share with all other human beings. In order to live, your heart needs to beat, your lungs need oxygen, and your blood is what holds you all together. Humans have natural instincts that don’t have to be taught to them in order for them to learn. From birth, you know how to take your first breath, and swallow your first drink of milk without much assistance at all. Our bodies are programmed to be a specific way, and when they aren’t what is considered the norm, a person is considered to have “something wrong”, be “sick”, or “disabled”. Our brain is a crucial part of our body and I have to wonder if the same rules or social norms really apply to mind as well.
Does our sexuality or sexual preference have more to do with what we learn is “normal” or “acceptable” or what is biologically engrained within our very genetic makeup? People who are attracted to the same sex are among the minority. Several studies suggest that gay, lesbian, or bisexuals have higher rates of some mental disorders compared to heterosexuals. I think that discrimination could be a factor in these statistics as well. There are higher rates of anxiety, mood, substance use disorders, and suicidal thoughts among people 15-54 who are with a same-sex partner.
In nature it is instinct for animals to find the opposite sex and procreate. Men have a penis and women have a vagina and they were created to be together. You see this pattern in everything in life. Male-Female. Black-White. Yin-Yang.. Some things just go together. And when something in your life doesn’t fit this pattern, you start to feel like something is not right.
Growing up, I knew that I was attracted to girls 5 years before I had my first feelings of attraction to boys. I have known since I was 3 years old that I was attracted to women sexually. I knew it, and growing up I didn’t know how to feel about it or WHAT to do about it because I knew what I was feeling wasn’t something anyone had ever discussed with me. I had never seen a same-sex couple, and I didn’t know that those feelings I was having had a label I would later learn down the road. But what I did know, is that my friends didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about them. I initiated “playing doctor” more times than I can count, and was confused why I was left with uncomfortable feelings in parts of my body that at that time I was too young to understand. Sexual attraction is instinctive. I know this because I developed it early on and it is something I’m still discovering and still question more and more everyday.
I was in a relationship with a woman on and off for a couple of years. She was the first woman that I had romantic feelings for the reciprocated. It threw me and the rest of my family for a total head spin, because up until that point.. I was always “straight”. But what nobody knew is that deep down there was a part of me that just wasn’t happy with the idea of having a husband someday. It just never appealed to me, and it still doesn’t. Even growing up, I never really had the desire to date men (or women for that matter). I would see my friend in and out of relationships and I just never understood the point of dating when you’re in middleschool or high school… It’s not like you can really truly have a life together at that point. Moving on from that though..
When I first started dating the woman, inside I was really happy.. But on the outside, I was still embarrassed and insecure what people would think of me. Luckily, I was in a city that was extremely accepting of the gay population. I had a job at that point that allowed me to interact with close friends daily who were also gay or bisexual. It’s funny how that worked out so perfectly, but everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that was my sole purpose of being there, was to truly discover who I really am without the pressure and expectations of small-town living. I eventually became more comfortable with it, and would proudly display her whenever we would go out on the town. It also helped that her friends and family were supportive of us, and mine came around eventually too. Things ended up not working out between us, so I ended up having to move back to my hometown. That move was the single most devastating moment of my life. I couldn’t afford my bills anymore and was having some serious mental health issues. So, my parents decided that it would be best for me to just come home. My dad gave me a 2 month notice that I would be leaving, and it threw me into a depression among no other. Along with the recent breakup, and the news of my departure.. I lost every motivation and became a hollow shell. I spend every night drinking hard liquor until I couldn’t drink anymore. I had friends stop by from time to time, but I have no memory of our interactions. I would lay in the middle of the living room floor with my vodka bottle in-hand and crawl to the bathroom from time to time. I remember waking up to what I thought were strangers in my apartment splashing water on my face or bringing me food knowing that I hadn’t eaten in a ridiculous undetermined amount of time. I started to pawn off my things in order to supply my alcoholic mental breakdown.
I just got rather off track, so back to the point of this blog.
Scientists have been exploring the idea of a “gay” gene, but up until this point haven’t been able to pinpoint anything one way or another. It makes me wonder what is different about those of us who are attracted to the same-sex vs. those who are not. It poses a few questions in my mind. Could heterosexual people be happy being with someone of the same sex if all religious or moral inhibitions or insecurities places by society were all removed. I’m a firm believer in “You don’t know you won’t like it until you try it”. Or is the real problem something deep inside the inner-workings of our mind that makes us different… Perhaps a defect or malformation of something just not yet discovered. And lastly, can we be “fixed”? Is there a medication being created somewhere down the line that can be a cure-all for those of us who aren’t completely comfortable with our feelings? I don’t really know the answer to any of these questions. But think of this… What if it was the other way around and gay was straight and straight people were a minority. Below is a link to my favorite awareness video of all time. I think it’s important that everyone see’s this at some point in time. So if you’ve made it this far into this blog, please take the time to watch the video. CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO
Thank you all for reading.