Does Sexuality and Sexual Preference Have More To Do With What We Learn Is “Normal” or “Acceptable” Or What Is Biologically Engrained Within Our Very Genetic Makeup?

Biologically our bodies are programmed for specific functions we share with all other human beings. In order to live, your heart needs to beat, your lungs need oxygen, and your blood is what holds you all together. Humans have natural instincts that don’t have to be taught to them in order for them to learn. From birth, you know how to take your first breath, and swallow your first drink of milk without much assistance at all. Our bodies are programmed to be a specific way, and when they aren’t what is considered the norm, a person is considered to have “something wrong”, be “sick”, or “disabled”. Our brain is a crucial part of our body and I have to wonder if the same rules or social norms really apply to mind as well.

Does our sexuality or sexual preference have more to do with what we learn is “normal” or “acceptable” or what is biologically engrained within our very genetic makeup? People who are attracted to the same sex are among the minority. Several studies suggest that gay, lesbian, or bisexuals have higher rates of some mental disorders compared to heterosexuals. I think that discrimination could be a factor in these statistics as well. There are higher rates of anxiety, mood, substance use disorders, and suicidal thoughts among people 15-54 who are with a same-sex partner.

In nature it is instinct for animals to find the opposite sex and procreate. Men have a penis and women have a vagina and they were created to be together. You see this pattern in everything in life. Male-Female. Black-White. Yin-Yang.. Some things just go together. And when something in your life doesn’t fit this pattern, you start to feel like something is not right.

Growing up, I knew that I was attracted to girls 5 years before I had my first feelings of attraction to boys. I have known since I was 3 years old that I was attracted to women sexually. I knew it, and growing up I didn’t know how to feel about it or WHAT to do about it because I knew what I was feeling wasn’t something anyone had ever discussed with me. I had never seen a same-sex couple, and I didn’t know that those feelings I was having had a label I would later learn down the road. But what I did know, is that my friends didn’t feel the same way about me that I did about them. I initiated “playing doctor” more times than I can count, and was confused why I was left with uncomfortable feelings in parts of my body that at that time I was too young to understand. Sexual attraction is instinctive. I know this because I developed it early on and it is something I’m still discovering and still question more and more everyday.

I was in a relationship with a woman on and off for a couple of years. She was the first woman that I had romantic feelings for the reciprocated. It threw me and the rest of my family for a total head spin, because up until that point.. I was always “straight”. But what nobody knew is that deep down there was a part of me that just wasn’t happy with the idea of having a husband someday. It just never appealed to me, and it still doesn’t. Even growing up, I never really had the desire to date men (or women for that matter). I would see my friend in and out of relationships and I just never understood the point of dating when you’re in middleschool or high school… It’s not like you can really truly have a life together at that point. Moving on from that though.. 

When I first started dating the woman, inside I was really happy.. But on the outside, I was still embarrassed and insecure what people would think of me. Luckily, I was in a city that was extremely accepting of the gay population. I had a job at that point that allowed me to interact with close friends daily who were also gay or bisexual. It’s funny how that worked out so perfectly, but everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that was my sole purpose of being there, was to truly discover who I really am without the pressure and expectations of small-town living. I eventually became more comfortable with it, and would proudly display her whenever we would go out on the town. It also helped that her friends and family were supportive of us, and mine came around eventually too. Things ended up not working out between us, so I ended up having to move back to my hometown. That move was the single most devastating moment of my life. I couldn’t afford my bills anymore and was having some serious mental health issues. So, my parents decided that it would be best for me to just come home. My dad gave me a 2 month notice that I would be leaving, and it threw me into a depression among no other. Along with the recent breakup, and the news of my departure.. I lost every motivation and became a hollow shell. I spend every night drinking hard liquor until I couldn’t drink anymore. I had friends stop by from time to time, but I have no memory of our interactions. I would lay in the middle of the living room floor with my vodka bottle in-hand and crawl to the bathroom from time to time. I remember waking up to what I thought were strangers in my apartment splashing water on my face or bringing me food knowing that I hadn’t eaten in a ridiculous undetermined amount of time. I started to pawn off my things in order to supply my alcoholic mental breakdown. 

I just got rather off track, so back to the point of this blog.

Scientists have been exploring the idea of a “gay” gene, but up until this point haven’t been able to pinpoint anything one way or another. It makes me wonder what is different about those of us who are attracted to the same-sex vs. those who are not. It poses a few questions in my mind. Could heterosexual people be happy being with someone of the same sex if all religious or moral inhibitions or insecurities places by society were all removed. I’m a firm believer in “You don’t know you won’t like it until you try it”. Or is the real problem something deep inside the inner-workings of our mind that makes us different… Perhaps a defect or malformation of something just not yet discovered. And lastly, can we be “fixed”? Is there a medication being created somewhere down the line that can be a cure-all for those of us who aren’t completely comfortable with our feelings? I don’t really know the answer to any of these questions. But think of this… What if it was the other way around and gay was straight and straight people were a minority. Below is a link to my favorite awareness video of all time. I think it’s important that everyone see’s this at some point in time. So if you’ve made it this far into this blog, please take the time to watch the video. CLICK HERE FOR THE VIDEO 

Thank you all for reading.

Kisses, Lennox

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What Is It Like To Crave Something So Simple, Yet So Hard To Ask For

What is it like to crave something so badly that nothing else can replace it? What is it like to have your whole body in constant pain just because you’re lacking one of the most important human needs? My answer to these questions is.. Empty. I constantly feel empty. I live virtually without any sort of physical human contact, and its lonely. Nobody hugs me, or touches my hand, or even lays their hand across my back as a simple gesture of genuinity. (I am aware that “genuinity” is not a real word, I’m not stupid, but I don’t feel it necessary to explain my reason for the word usage.)

What I need right now in my life is pretty simple. I don’t ask for much, and I’m easy to please.. but a hug is what I need. That is all. Even writing this, theres a lump in my throat, and I’m holding back tears that desperately need to be let out (but theres people around and they might wonder whats going on, and I don’t feel like making a scene..) The next thing I’m about to say isn’t meant to be taken lightly, but I also don’t want it to be taken too seriously. If you read my previous blog “What is REALLY Like To Have Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder”, this will make a little more sense. I need so badly for someone to hug me and just let me cry… I need them to not judge me and understand that its something that needs to happen, because if it doesn’t… someday, it might cost me my life. I hate to admit that, but its a lonely, lonely place to feel this way when the solution is something so simple, but isn’t something you can just ask for. Ok.. Moving on from probably the most depressing thing I’ve written down to date. Whaddya do, I guess.

Anyways..

The last time someone hugged me, I left and I sobbed for an hour. I was so incredibly thankful that someone had shared such a small gesture with me. Its an understatement to say that it meant the world to me.. because it meant more. For a few days, the body pain went away.. the tingling that commonly radiates through my arms to my fingertips subsided.. and for the first time in years I didn’t want to hurt myself. I had a happiness about me that just hadn’t surfaced up until that point. She’ll never know how badly I needed that hug that day. But fortunately, she’ll know what it meant to me, because she visits my blog from time to time.

Thats all for now. Feel free to check out my previous 3 blogs.. its some good, very honest and raw stuff- if you’re into that kind of thing. But for real, they just bleed truth all over the place so if you care enough to wanna get to know me, feel free to check them out. You can view them by visiting my “Recent Blogs” category. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Kisses, Lennox

What Is It REALLY Like To Have Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder?

If you know me, or have read some of my older blogs, you probably know that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Specifically rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Lets get technical for a second. What is rapid cycling bipolar disorder?

Rapid-cycling is a pattern of frequent, distinct episodes in bipolar disorder. In rapid- cycling, a person with the disorder experiences four or more episodes of mania or depression in one year.

Reading the description of what is considered RC Bipolar Disorder makes me wonder how accurate it actually is. If I ONLY had 4 episodes of mania or depression a year, I would be doing pretty well. But let me tell you, I suffer from 4 or more episodes a month, sometimes a week, or even in a day. Sometimes you can feel it coming on, and sometimes it happens out of nowhere. I’m going through some med changes at the moment and can probably contribute my mood decline this week to that. The one thing that has been pretty consistent lately is that when my mood drops, it seems to be a pretty steady decline over the process of 4-5 days. Then I hit a low.. The lows consist of a lot of self-destructive thoughts and I freak out a little bit and think that everything is coming crashing down. These episodes usually follow an episode of mania, or extreme happiness where I feel like everything in my life is just all falling in place. If the bipolar lows aren’t bad enough, the highs are just as bad. It sounds all fine and dandy to be “happy” and “optimistic”, but to be completely honest.. it is exhausting, because you just can’t control it. During those highs, I can literally feel myself being drained of energy, but I just can’t stop. When I’m in a high, people seem to respond to me better. They feel happy that things are going so well for me, but the truth is.. its part of my illness. Its not necessarily a good thing when that is happening, because what is to follow is a great darkness that very few people can truly understand.

I’d like to sit here and tell you that I am genuinely a happy person, but I’m not. My “general” mood rests in a pretty flat state.I’m really easy going, so most times I just don’t care one way or another. I have a lot of trust issues, and I don’t typically keep many people in my life at a time. Its just too hard for my mind to process. Fewer people means fewer problems, fewer arguments, less chance of someone talking behind your back, and most importantly, less of a chance of getting hurt.

Mental Illness is so misunderstood, and it is a major goal of mine to educate as many people as I can and share my story in attempt to help people understand the matter more. What people don’t really understand is that it is a sickness. It is a chronic illness like any other…in the fact that it truly never goes away. People like me are put on meds and seek therapy in order to help alleviate some of the symptoms, but nothing completely can make it go away. Except maybe a lobotomy.. Kidding of course. That would just cause a whole new smorgasbord of challenges. (Lol) But really. Living with a chronic illness isn’t easy, and its even harder for people to acknowledge it exists. Sometimes people just think you’re being over-dramatic or irrational, but its something you can’t control. That is what people just don’t get. Most people never will, unless you suffer as well. Even so, nobody is exactly the same.. and that is why mental illnesses are so hard to diagnose. People can be having the same symptoms but can be suffering from completely different disorders. A lot of the same symptoms characterized by different disorders can be almost identical to others. And some of us are lucky enough to have all of the craziness harbored in one body *Raises Hand*

But think of it this way..In the end, the symptoms of mental illness make a full circle and can be defined as one label, “sick”, with many sub-categories; just like every other illness in the world. Your body is one complete circuit and it doesn’t matter if theres something wrong with your heart or your brain, when theres something not functioning the way it should, you need treatment. If theres anything I’ve learned over the past few years (specifically the past 6 months), theres no shame in admitting that you suffer from a mental illness. Its okay, its not secret that people do. If you’re just honest about what you are feeling and what you are thinking, things do get better. One of my biggest fears I used to have is that if I told people what was happening in my mind that I would get “locked away” without consent.. but I promise you that if you walk into a clinic and share all the crazy in your head, they’re not gonna just lock you away and drug you with Thorazine (Ooooo!) I mean.. there are extreme cases that require immediate hospitalization, but that won’t happen without a proper evaluation first. So fear not, my friends.. And Happy Hump Day! I hope you celebrate accordingly 😉

Kisses, Lennox

 

 

 

Music I’ve Written In The Last Year…

NOTICE: I am NOT a singer..my voice sucks…but I like to write music so…feel free to check out my stuff

Below are links to all of the songs I’ve written in the last year.

Let Me Move On: CLICK HERE

Love Is Good Enough: CLICK HERE

Puppet For You: CLICK HERE

Broken Melody: CLICK HERE

I Don’t Know: CLICK HERE

That Little Lie (Teaser-Unfinished): CLICK HERE

SONGS OF MY YOUNGER SELF (Age 5-11)

I Still Wonder: CLICK HERE

Can You Hear Me? (Children of the Holocaust): CLICK HERE

Take Me: This is the first song I ever performed live anywhere.. LISTEN TO MY PRE-PUBESCENT VOICE!!! HAHAHA: CLICK HERE

PIANO SONGS:

Emotion (Because I dont have a better name):  CLICK HERE

FATHER’S DAY SONG FOR MY DAD (Ukelele Version): CLICK HERE

If you’re into Shakespeare, here is my video Macbeth final project haha! CLICK HERE

Peanut Butter Is God’s Gift To Civilization…

Let me start out by saying.. I have been on a low-carb, low-sugar diet for approx. 6 months. My daily food intake consists of 90% vegetables, 8% meat, and 2% fat. So, I eat pretty healthy for the most part…

During my life, I have always heard of people “craving” certain foods. Like craving it to the point that they are just not satisfied with anything until they have that food. I have never actually had a craving for anything food-wise, until now. I never understood that absolute need for food. But, for whatever reason, for the last week I have been craving peanut butter. And I mean that I fucking NEED it. Lol. Peanut butter is in no way a food that I’m not allowed to have, but normally I eat pb2, which has more protein and less sugar/carbs than regular peanut butter. The other day when I was cooking, I decided to use actual peanut butter in my stir fry. And let me tell you, it was heaven for my tastebuds. I had an overwhelming urge to dip the spoon into the jar and lick it clean. So I did.

The cravings didn’t stop there. Even today, as I was taking a bath, all I could think about was getting to the kitchen to cook supper and once again enjoy a spoonful of peanut butter.. I’m not quite sure why I’m having these cravings, but all I keep thinking is that peanut butter is god’s gift to civilization… And I’m so incredibly thankful for it. Ha! 

Most people wouldn’t think anything of that simple spoonful of peanut butter, but I have been beating myself up about it for days. I keep thinking “Omg, I did NOT need the extra calories..What have I done!” I know that seems overdramatic, but when you have this negative relationship with food constantly in the back of your mind, every extra little bit seems like the end of the world.

Did a little filming today, please watch ⭐️ Short Film: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Addiction ❤️❤️❤️ PinkRainProductions

Turn up the sound! ❤️❤️❤️ 

If video doesn’t work.. Click HERE

I’ve Got A Girl Crush.. I Hate To Admit It, But…. It’s Hard Being Bi-Sexual In A Straight World

The Forbidden girl-crush. The crush you have that is completely wrong on so many levels. The crush that you cannot tell a single soul about because you know that they would just laugh in your face. The crush that you are embarrassed to have because you’re not quite sure how it came about.. Especially when it come out of fucking nowhere. That crush that comes about when you are sitting next to an “unattainable”(The name for the people that deep down you know will never be able to reciprocate) and you just look up at them and think, “God damn you are fucking beautiful.. What it would be like to fuck you.” *blushes* That is a real thought I have had before. I have literally experienced the trifecta of all unattainables in the last year. Married. Straight. And Co-worker. (Authors Note: I would like to buy a vowel and add “virgin” to the list of obstacles. Not unattainables, but obstacles… I can charm the pants off anyone. MOTHERFUCKING PUN INTENDED)

*I literally just laughed out loud at myself.

Anyways, I always fall for someone under one of those categories… Like… It would be nice to fall for a nice single gal or gent.. But unfortunately, that’s not how most of my crushes end up. I say “crush” because in these situations, I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m looking for quality time or sex. You know, every time I start to feel that godforsaken feeling of admiration for someone forbidden, I try to shut that shit down right away. Notice I said “try”. The next thing that I do is mentally overcome the “obstacles” that separate me from that person being attainable. And by attainable, I don’t mean available…I mean willing. So here is my thought process on it whenever a GIRL-crush comes about. I’ll talk about boy crushes in a later blog.

Straight.

This is the hardest of the obstacles to overcome. Some women are so set in their ways that the thought of even trying anything with a woman is definitely not a possibility. I don’t care if you are single, married, divorced, etc.. If you are curious about chick-sex…experiment, it can be a lot of fun if you trust the person you choose to engage with. The truth is, most women have the curiosity but not the opportunity to try things out. Bottom line though, if someone identifys as “straight” thats where the crush has to stop, because nothing will come of it. This is the hardest realization to come to. It literally hurts, when you want something so bad. Onto the next obstacle.

Married.
This obstacle is somewhat difficult to overcome. If someone is married, sometimes (not usually), they might have an open relationship. And if they don’t sometimes in heterosexual relationships, the male doesn’t mind if the woman experiments with another women. You know.. Dudes and the whole girl on girl fantasy.. Lol. I’ve known people that are ok with the woman being with another woman as long as the man is still in the room. Which is a double plus for me.. I get to have fun with someone’s wife or girlfriend, and then there’s the whole exhibitionist aspect of it. Onward ho.

Co-Worker or Professional Relationship

This obstacle is the least hard to overcome, mostly due to the fact that if both people are willing, it’s an easy secret to keep. I once “dated” a co-worker in a workplace that strictly forbid employee relationships. In fact, the better way to explain it point blank is… I was sleeping with my manager. We kept it a complete secret for many months, and only agreed to admit to it once we were both no longer working there. However, I have slept with people with jobs that I can NEVER tell a single soul about. If someone decides to breach their job contract in the aspect of having sexual relations with co-workers, employees, clients, or patients, I am bound in secrecy. Lucky for them, I’m great at keeping dirty little secrets. 

Some people would consider age a determining factor. I used to, so I get it.. But I no longer do. As long as both parties are willing, why the hell not.

In conclusion.. I understand that my ideas on the matter are a little warped, but thats truly what it is like to be bi-sexual in a location where not many people are willing to admit that they a gay, bi, trans, etc. But let me leave you with this little thought. People with obstacles are much more fun to pursue than the people that are willing from the start. Hehe!