Music I’ve Written In The Last Year…

NOTICE: I am NOT a singer..my voice sucks…but I like to write music so…feel free to check out my stuff

Below are links to all of the songs I’ve written in the last year.

Let Me Move On: CLICK HERE

Love Is Good Enough: CLICK HERE

Puppet For You: CLICK HERE

Broken Melody: CLICK HERE

I Don’t Know: CLICK HERE

That Little Lie (Teaser-Unfinished): CLICK HERE

SONGS OF MY YOUNGER SELF (Age 5-11)

I Still Wonder: CLICK HERE

Can You Hear Me? (Children of the Holocaust): CLICK HERE

Take Me: This is the first song I ever performed live anywhere.. LISTEN TO MY PRE-PUBESCENT VOICE!!! HAHAHA: CLICK HERE

PIANO SONGS:

Emotion (Because I dont have a better name):  CLICK HERE

FATHER’S DAY SONG FOR MY DAD (Ukelele Version): CLICK HERE

If you’re into Shakespeare, here is my video Macbeth final project haha! CLICK HERE

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Did a little filming today, please watch ⭐️ Short Film: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Addiction ❤️❤️❤️ PinkRainProductions

Turn up the sound! ❤️❤️❤️ 

If video doesn’t work.. Click HERE

The Last Text

Adam brought me home, but before leaving he leaned over to kiss me on the lips and all I could do was let my head sink into my lap.

“What’s wrong?” He asked

“I can’t do this. “

“What do you mean?” He sighed.

“It’s not the same anymore. It’s…. her. It’s like I loved her so much that there just isn’t anything left in me for anyone else. I’m sorry, I knew this was a bad idea.” A tear fell down my cheek.

“No, baby, it’s okay. I understand. If time is what you need, you can have it. If you want me to disappear, I can make that happen too.” He grabbed my hand.

“Adam. I feel awful. I wanted things to work out between us so much. I just don’t have anything left in me for anyone else. She took what was once so good, and destroyed it when she left me. I don’t think that I am someone worth loving, so quit wasting your time.” I pulled my hand from him, and tried to get out of the car.

“Wait.” He said.

“What? What more do I have to say for you to get it?! I can’t do this!” I hunched over and began to sob.

“..I just wanted to say, she’s crazy for hurting you. And I’m sorry she never gave you a second chance”

I turned away to hide my tears.

“She never believed she was capable of giving love. She just collected love from everyone else. She never understood that nobody wants to share. I just believed that she’d choose me.” I sobbed.

“Baby..”

“Just go.. please. Leave me alone.” I slammed the door and ran into the house.

  • Ring Ring * I looked at my phone.

‘Are you going to be okay?’ –Adam

I never responded. That was the last day I heard from Adam. He never tried to contact me after that, and I didn’t care enough to respond to his text that night.

It Was That Moment I Knew

I looked into Marie’s eyes, and caught myself swimming in the depth of her aura. Something about the depth seemed to pull me in closer by the second. I was lost. It was this very moment where I knew I wanted her. I wanted her deepest, darkest, most fucked up parts that lived beneath the surface. I pulled myself out of my trance-like stare, and sighed. ‘Could he ever love me?’ I thought to myself. I bit my lip and looked to my left.
Marie reached out and grabbed my hand. It took me by surprise and I gasped and pulled away.

“Oh, I am sorry.. I didn’t mean to scare….”

I cut her off “No, its fine.. I.. just didn’t expect it” I stuttered.

“You just looked so deep in thought, I thought you could use a hand.” She said sweetly.

“I appreciate it, I really do” I reached over and grabbed her hand and gave her a quaint smile.

“You smiled with your mouth.”

I gave her a confused look.

“Doesn’t everybody?”

“I mean, you smiled with your mouth, but the rest of your face didn’t move.” She said skeptically.

“Oh..” My eyes shifted away from her.

“What’s wrong?”

I pursed my lips and shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me. We’ve talked about this. You know I don’t like lying.” Her voice got quite a bit louder and slightly more intimidating.

I swallowed. “I.. Well.. I think that I.. might have some feelings for you.” I said quietly.

“I know.” She  couldn’t have been more sure.

“What? You know? What do you mean?” I said perplexed.

“I’m very good at reading people.” She said as she stared into my eyes.

I was once again pulled in by the depth of her eyes. Could this be real? Could she have been that good at reading me. I hadn’t given any indication that I had even the slightest interest.

When He Said Goodbye…

     Standing in the kitchen, I begin looking through the cupboards and realize that I don’t have anything that I don’t have to cook. I hate cooking. I would rather pay more to eat out than to have to cook something. I open the freezer and see and old package of hashbrowns. ‘That should do,’ I think to myself. I pull the bag out and realize that I don’t really know how to cook them right to make them crispy just like you would get at a restaurant. I decided to call Sam, afterall, he was a fantastic cook and would surely know how to tell me to cook them. I dial his phone number.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Hey, I have a really dumb question. How do I cook hashbrowns to make them crispy?”

“You’re gonna need peanut oil. That’s a sure way to make them perfect,” He said.

“Oh, well that’s simple enough,” I said with excitement.

“B? I want you to know that I plan to move to Utah around the end of August,”

“What? What are you talking about, Sam?”

“I knew you wouldn’t take it well, but I just wanted to be straightforward with you. Things aren’t going so well for me here.”

“Why Utah,” I questioned.

“If you wanna talk, that’s fine. I worry about you a lot, B. Go ahead and roll your eyes, but it just seems like a better place for me. Plus my brother and his new wife said I could live there with them temporarily till I find a place of my own, and I just…”

“..Ok, well best of luck.” I said sarcastically.

“You can’t be serious. ‘Best of luck?’ That’s it?”

“I don’t know what you want me to fucking say to you. You’re just gonna take off like nothing ever happened.. like we never happened. I’ll never see you again.” I began to sob.

“I’ll miss you too, B. I understand that you’re upset, but I just wanted you to know now. I wasn’t just going to up and leave without telling you.”

“You pretty much are! That’s only a few weeks away. So we’re just done? That’s it? You’re giving up our friendship and everything?” I pulled the phone from my ear and held it to my chest as tears fell down my cheeks and and pooled at the base of my neck.
“B, I’m gonna level with you for once. I’m always running from something. I can’t accept myself for who I am; my flaws, and imperfections. I get scared when people close to me start to see how far from ‘perfect’ I am. That’s not my only reason for moving though, but I’ll admit, it’s a big one.”

I continued to cry, not knowing what to say.

“Do you want me to pick you up and we can talk about it over a drive?” Sam asked sincerely.

“What else is there to say. You’re leaving me here, and that’s it.” I hung up the phone and threw my phone across the room. This is it, I’ll never see him again.

He Is Home

I hadn’t seen him in over a year. This man, who once held my heart would soon be back in the place where our whole relationship took root. I saw him and the first hug took me to a place of nostalgia that I never know I could relive. I didn’t know that within his embrace that I could feel such relief. I took a deep breath and exhaled. It felt like a ton of bricks that I didn’t even know was there were lifted.
I was sure that I no longer had feelings for him. Its just different now. To me, he’s home.

He represents all the comfort & safety I’ve been so longing to feel since my last breakup. My heart is still so incredibly broken. Theres not a day that goes by that I don’t think of calling Her. We will call her “Her” for the sake of not finding a better name. Theres a part of me thats no longer here. She still possesses that part of me- its in the palm of her hand. Its the part of me that is the ability to feel happy; the part that lets me love myself, let alone someone else.

Being hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t want you could quite possibly be the worst feeling in the world. In the past few months, a few family members passed away- one last night in fact. I don’t understand why I haven’t cried or why it just doesn’t hurt like it should. I realized that the reason I don’t feel sad is because in the last 8 months, I’ve felt real sorrow. A sorry so deep in my bones that nothing can even touch me. I have so much callous on my heart that the only thing to break this… is Her.

Time Is What I Lack

Its time, time is what I lack. Time with her a something more than just a label. A label never mattered. Every touch, and every kiss marked me with life. She gave me life. She gave me death. I knew we were an hourglass with sand dropping every second from the very start. I was okay with that because I enjoyed the journey, mostly. The very last piece dropped and we settled in the bottom, a low, but the best we could do until someone had the courage to turn the glass over; to start time again.

Coming To An End

I didn’t thing things would come to an end so soon. It was so sudden, so abrupt. To be completely honest, it wasn’t a huge shock. I tried to remember amidst the chaos that we were friends first, lovers second. The friendship is still there, barely, but its there.

I thought it would be easy to just accept us as a friendship. Boy was I ever wrong. As I sit next to her, I long to touch her beautiful glowing skin, and run my fingers through her brown, curly hair. I sit on my hands to occupy the feeling of emptiness amongst them. My fingers twitch beneath my thighs. I’m going crazy. I fix my gaze on the jewelry box across the room, trying to avoid eye contact in fear she will see the pain behind my eyes. My vision glazes over, and I can no longer keep the tears in any longer.

“I’m going to let the dog out”

I get up and walk to the living room, hook my dog on his chain and opened the door to let him out. Instead of making my way back to the room to join her, I sat down on the couch. “This is the perfect opportunity to just let it all out” I thought to myself.

I tried to cry. I tried to remember everything she had said to me earlier that made my heart ache. The thoughts rushed over me, but not a single tear was shed. The feeling of numbness soon followed. I wish I could have felt pain like a normal person in that instance, but it was like nothing was left.

Maybe, we’re only allowed a certain amount of tears per person, and once they’re gone, we just have to feel, with no way of release. -Lennox

I know she never wanted to hurt me. But I still feel like she hurt me and has no sense of remorse. There needs to be a light switch on life; one where we only turn on the emotions when we know we can handle them. If there were such a thing, my light switch would be in a permanent “off” setting. (Lol)

I live in a fantasy. I loathe reality, really. Everything has a consequence. I knew that when I started to get involved with her that It was going to end up in the worst heartache imaginable. I say that because she knows of every heartache in my past in great detail. She knows what these people did, she knows what they said, and exactly how they left me. I hate to admit that this is just another one for the books.

I was so stupid to think that anything good would every come out of this. I don’t know what I thought would happened, but I once again chose to live in my little box of fantasy where everybody ends up happy. I believed that knowing what she does, she’d never imagine of hurting me. Unfortunately, this doesn’t have much to do with me at all. I kind of wish it did, mostly so I had myself to answer to, someone to blame. But regardless, we all know that ultimately I will blame myself.