What is it like to crave something so badly that nothing else can replace it? What is it like to have your whole body in constant pain just because you’re lacking one of the most important human needs? My answer to these questions is.. Empty. I constantly feel empty. I live virtually without any sort of physical human contact, and its lonely. Nobody hugs me, or touches my hand, or even lays their hand across my back as a simple gesture of genuinity. (I am aware that “genuinity” is not a real word, I’m not stupid, but I don’t feel it necessary to explain my reason for the word usage.)
What I need right now in my life is pretty simple. I don’t ask for much, and I’m easy to please.. but a hug is what I need. That is all. Even writing this, theres a lump in my throat, and I’m holding back tears that desperately need to be let out (but theres people around and they might wonder whats going on, and I don’t feel like making a scene..) The next thing I’m about to say isn’t meant to be taken lightly, but I also don’t want it to be taken too seriously. If you read my previous blog “What is REALLY Like To Have Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder”, this will make a little more sense. I need so badly for someone to hug me and just let me cry… I need them to not judge me and understand that its something that needs to happen, because if it doesn’t… someday, it might cost me my life. I hate to admit that, but its a lonely, lonely place to feel this way when the solution is something so simple, but isn’t something you can just ask for. Ok.. Moving on from probably the most depressing thing I’ve written down to date. Whaddya do, I guess.
The last time someone hugged me, I left and I sobbed for an hour. I was so incredibly thankful that someone had shared such a small gesture with me. Its an understatement to say that it meant the world to me.. because it meant more. For a few days, the body pain went away.. the tingling that commonly radiates through my arms to my fingertips subsided.. and for the first time in years I didn’t want to hurt myself. I had a happiness about me that just hadn’t surfaced up until that point. She’ll never know how badly I needed that hug that day. But fortunately, she’ll know what it meant to me, because she visits my blog from time to time.
Thats all for now. Feel free to check out my previous 3 blogs.. its some good, very honest and raw stuff- if you’re into that kind of thing. But for real, they just bleed truth all over the place so if you care enough to wanna get to know me, feel free to check them out. You can view them by visiting my “Recent Blogs” category. Have a good weekend, everyone.