I’m making immense strides in therapy. Some days like today, the pain still feels very real. And some days it’s still hard to get out of bed still hearing the voices they instilled in me. But I’m learning to push through it. For the 1st time in forever, I put on my ballet shoes, and got to dance. And for the moment, I’m okay.
Let me tell you, today’s session threw me for a headspin. Out of nowhere I had so much to say… So much feeling.. So much truth.. So much.. Passion. And then, for the first time, I started to cry. For the first time in my entire life, I cried in front of someone. And then she said “Is that a tear I see”, slid the tissues my way, and just smiled. It surprised me that tears were even happening, and I think it surprised her a little too. But regardless, I needed to be vulnerable.. I needed to feel it, I needed her to see it, and in someway it represents the last bit of my mask falling away. Nobody has seen me that way, nobody has seen me crumble. But I know that I don’t have to hide from her, I don’t have to hide my feelings or my experiences, or my tears… She understands and that’s what I’ve needed for so long, is just someone to understand. Our sessions fill me with comfort and confidence that maybe, just maybe, that my fate doesn’t have to end up with me checking-out on my own clock, but rather the strength to hold on. “I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, ’cause I’m just holding on for tonight” Those words run circles in my mind.. Just holding on for tonight. They get me through until my next session.
I’m at the very beginning of starting to see things in a new light. But it seems so foreign to me.. Like a parallel universe where the laws of physics are suspended. What goes up does not necessarily come down, and a body at rest does not tend to stay that way. Not every action can be counted on to provoke an equal and opposite reaction. Time is also different. It may run in circles, go backwords, and skip. It’s all so new. I just never thought of things the way they’ve been presented to me lately.
I’ve learned that crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s just you and me amplified. I no longer fantasize about death.. Rather just know that it’s always a possibility in the back of my mind.. Some people say that having any conscious opinion on the matter is a mark of sanity, but I’m not sure that’s true. I still think about it. I’ll always have to think about it. Suicide is a from of premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think about it. It takes getting used to. You need the means, the 0pportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.