Theres a sort of freedom you feel when you finally cut the ties with someone you know is toxic for you. For me, this person was my ex… my puppet master. I dangled on a string for them and would dance whenever they looked my direction. I wanted to be their only show so badly that I sacrificed all self-worth and every chance I had at happiness. I was utterly miserable. I thought that cutting the strings was what I really needed to do, and it was. However, it came with some unexpected heartache. Grief. Sadness. Basically every negative feeling I could possibly be feeling at this very moment. Its hard to know that even despite of the pain they caused me, that by putting up this wall… its not only killing me, but killing them too. Its easy to be mad. Its easy to say you don’t care or that you hate that person in order to get over what they put you through. It makes it easier. If you are feeling anger, you can’t feel the pain.
I’ve spent the last couple months angry. Angry at the world, angry with myself, and mostly.. angry with the way things ended. I would wake up, put on black.. and walk about the day like I didn’t have a care in the world. I learned that you can’t get a broken heart if you pretend you don’t have one. And that is what I became; heartless. Cold, if you will. I put up walls I didn’t know I ever could. I secluded myself, and because extremely good at being alone. And thats where I’m at now… alone. In the state that I’ve been in, I’ve been able to open up to one single person. Even though its in a professional setting, Its a fucking miracle that I’ve told them everything I have. (If you’re reading this right now, know that it means the world to me.. really. You know who you are)
I’m an extremely private person, and talking about the things that pain me is really hard. I’m a songwriter.. and sometimes I just express myself better through song, so below I’m going to attach the link to my song “Puppet For You”… I wrote it about a year ago, but it explains my feelings perfectly. Enjoy! Or don’t. I don’t really care either way.