I didn’t thing things would come to an end so soon. It was so sudden, so abrupt. To be completely honest, it wasn’t a huge shock. I tried to remember amidst the chaos that we were friends first, lovers second. The friendship is still there, barely, but its there.
I thought it would be easy to just accept us as a friendship. Boy was I ever wrong. As I sit next to her, I long to touch her beautiful glowing skin, and run my fingers through her brown, curly hair. I sit on my hands to occupy the feeling of emptiness amongst them. My fingers twitch beneath my thighs. I’m going crazy. I fix my gaze on the jewelry box across the room, trying to avoid eye contact in fear she will see the pain behind my eyes. My vision glazes over, and I can no longer keep the tears in any longer.
“I’m going to let the dog out”
I get up and walk to the living room, hook my dog on his chain and opened the door to let him out. Instead of making my way back to the room to join her, I sat down on the couch. “This is the perfect opportunity to just let it all out” I thought to myself.
I tried to cry. I tried to remember everything she had said to me earlier that made my heart ache. The thoughts rushed over me, but not a single tear was shed. The feeling of numbness soon followed. I wish I could have felt pain like a normal person in that instance, but it was like nothing was left.
Maybe, we’re only allowed a certain amount of tears per person, and once they’re gone, we just have to feel, with no way of release. -Lennox
I know she never wanted to hurt me. But I still feel like she hurt me and has no sense of remorse. There needs to be a light switch on life; one where we only turn on the emotions when we know we can handle them. If there were such a thing, my light switch would be in a permanent “off” setting. (Lol)
I live in a fantasy. I loathe reality, really. Everything has a consequence. I knew that when I started to get involved with her that It was going to end up in the worst heartache imaginable. I say that because she knows of every heartache in my past in great detail. She knows what these people did, she knows what they said, and exactly how they left me. I hate to admit that this is just another one for the books.
I was so stupid to think that anything good would every come out of this. I don’t know what I thought would happened, but I once again chose to live in my little box of fantasy where everybody ends up happy. I believed that knowing what she does, she’d never imagine of hurting me. Unfortunately, this doesn’t have much to do with me at all. I kind of wish it did, mostly so I had myself to answer to, someone to blame. But regardless, we all know that ultimately I will blame myself.